The Great Question?

Before we get started we must know, what is plain if not vanilla? The two have, quite incorrectly, become ubiquitous over the years. The yoghurt Gods have sought to conspire against us simple consumers in a great conspiracy to hide the truth of the Plain yoghurt. For as Chobani has blessed us with the words of the great prophet Hamdi Ulukaya “Plain is not Vanilla.” We have been set free by these simple words. The truth, was so cleverly hidden from us! It was, with this first bite, that I dive into what true plainness is without the vanilla branding. From this day forth no more will intimacy be referred to as vanilla with its multitude of complex flavours but the yoghurt gods have blessed us with not only plain yoghurt but uncomplicated plain facilities for reproductive descriptions! 

The Plain

Like a man possessed by anticipation itself, I open the lid on the edge of my seat. The yoghurt is as white as a ghost, as though caught for the first time. Like the first sighting of a newborn whale, hypopigmented and ready to haunt many sailor’s dreams. With each spoonful consumed the lumps form like cracked mud, still wet from the morning dew, milky water pools in the deep, running through it’s cracks. I dip my spoon, it glides to my mouth, I bite…

Even as an member of the ANTI-Watery Yoghurt League it wasn’t so bad.

The yoghurt is sour, but not super sour where you can’t eat it just like, kinda sour… but still not pathetically sour. Other than that it tastes like nothing at all, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. I’m not good with descriptions.

The Vanilla

A shock! My systems are in overload, is this what plain is? This taste of… nothing? I must try the vanilla, quickly! The contrast must be made. Like a woman tasked with wiping out malaria I began frantically stabbing at the yoghurt, prying it open, dipping the spoon, bringing it to my mouth. I bite…

Huh, okay so you know what vanilla tastes like… right? Well… it’s like that but… slightly more complicated and shit.

The revelation strikes me. I am a man cursed with ancient knowledge, an asthmatic whistle-blower, immoral as it may be, on a fundamental level are the conspirators right? Should the world be exposed to Plain? Is it better kept a secret? Should we instead bask in the glory of our so called “plain” yoghurt and fornication being more vivid? I know not what path I should take my friends. Only that I’ll march on and tomorrow seek to solve an even greater mystery: Strawberry, or Raspberry?

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